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Once upon an Ice Age, our hairy ancestors walked around on land covered with lizards, ants, pebbles and other obstacles. Over time, mankind eventually grew weary of complaining about frostbite and other foot injuries. Thus, shoes were created.
Our prehistoric brethren soon found that the shape and material of each persons protective footwear varied. Everyone knew that the fellow who ran the watering hole wore cowhide sandals to show his ox-like dominance over his cow-like harem. The same could be said of the balding, overweight village dunce with rabbit-hide shoes he certainly did not dominate anything.
Times have changed. People dont wear leather footwear as a symbol of virility as often as they used to, rabbit-hide sandals no longer symbolize superiority over rabbits, and we city-dwellers have traded watering holes for Crystal Geyser. However, we can still judge people by their footwear.
A key factor is the brand. Many brands are harmless, offering kitschy delight, but three have created an international shoe conspiracy.
White K-Swiss are at the top of the Most Annoying Even Though Theyre Just Shoes list. They are white, and therefore are easily dirtied. They are also much too complicated. The leather stripes, the stitching, the metal clasp-things around the shoelaces, the shield logo, all of which sound simple in theory, but together are off-putting. Its too much detail on a single shoe. My feeble mind cannot grasp such complex designs. K-Swiss is for confident people who appreciate a modern, overstated, pretentious shoe.
Another brand, whose only fault may be its overwhelming popularity, is Converse. Youve all seen the shoes the white tips, different-colored sides and half-inch platforms. At least one out of five people at Lowell has a pair. Given that, I am viscerally compelled to announce that the invasion of Converse must be stopped before we all wear Converse, and become copies of one another mentally and spiritually. Converse shoes are for those who support the corporate suits who put security cameras in public parks and keep permanent records in a huge real-time database somewhere near Roswell, New Mexico. What, did you think the footwear giants only keep track of us through the census and consumer trend reports?
Nikes should be the most insignificant shoe for sedentary Americans. This company, which became the scapegoat for child labor and its swooshtika logo, ignites my moral indignation. While I recognize Nikes importance to athletes, what about the rest of us lazy jeering sideliners? We need a shoe specifically crafted for the larger and more lethargic portion of the population. How about a commercial of an overweight man with drooping eyes and a caption that reads: Sitkes for a smooth, comfortable walk to the refrigerator. Shoe companies might earn more money, and the general public might be less ashamed of their idle behavior if they wore couchy (as opposed to sporty) shoes. Nike, for the sporty athletic people; Sitkes, for the rest of us.
Now, if the message of K-Swiss, Converse and Nike is obscenely transparent, think what these companies may be doing to us in one thousand years. K-Swiss, Converse and Nike will merge into a single company called Nikwiverse and dominate the shoe industry. Nikwiverse, in turn, will form a triumvirate with other profit-making businesses, commonly known as government and military. Nikwiverse may even create a shoe that is a hologram whose wearer will matter-of-factly say, These arent my real shoes. If you want to see them, go to my Web site.
This is a very important issue that you cannot dismiss if you hope to sleep well tonight. Take action. Help your fellow humans. Purchase a pair of clogs and scuff them down the hall with pride. After all, everyone else is doing it. |
