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The showmanship made no difference though. My 18th birthday, as I had expected, was the first I could not use the word happy to describe. The words capturing my feelings were more along the lines of intimidated, frightened, and nostalgic.
You see, I have considered myself a kid my entire life. I remember telling my mom when I was little that I was just like Peter Pan, that I never wanted to grow up. I couldnt see why anyone would want to be grown-up; you have to work, pay bills, cook, and when youre sick, your mommy wont help you feel better. For these reasons (especially the last one), Im frightened of adulthood to this day.
 But those are just the beginning. Compared to a few months ago when I was in the clear for committing murder, now I can be put into jail for life, or even executed! I can also be drafted into the military, and shipped off to war with all the other adults, even if I dont want to go.
In addition, college is right around the corner, and Ill have to live without my parents for the first time. This raises even more concerns. What will I do when that basket I put my shirts, pants, underwear and socks in after I wear them gets full? Who will be the one emptying it out for me? Or what if I want to see a movie but theres no more money in my pocket? Where will I get it? What if I fall back asleep after I turn my alarm clock off and dont wake up? Who will knock on my door to make sure that I am awake so that I can go to class and learn new things? These are all extremely important questions that I need answers to now that Im an adult.
But I suppose there are good things involved with the age of 18 as well. When I win the lottery, I will no longer have to give all the money to my parents even though they let me pick the numbers. I am also legally allowed to purchase pictures of naked women and enjoy the sights strip clubs have to offer, which is undoubtedly a plus. What else? I can buy cigarettes and slowly die of lung cancer now, something I couldnt do before without going through the trouble of stealing or asking an adult to buy them for me. Yes, the wonders of adulthood are many.
But, in reality, all this cynicism can be attributed to one fact: I loved my childhood. Growing up in Noe Valley, my life centered around the neighborhoods parks. One of my parents would take me to Day Street Playground (or the Gym as we called it) nearly every weekend. There we would play every sport we could get our hands on.
Always starting with baseball, we would rotate through soccer, basketball, tennis, and finally ping-pong. Nearly every time this cycle ended I broke down and cried in refusal to leave the park. My parents often threatened to leave without me in frustration, walking out the entrance while I moped on the field. This was usually the point at which I caved, as the thought of being stranded alone in the dark was much too scary for my seven-year-old psyche.
Since my birthday, Ive spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to be 18. I think the truth about 18 is that it merely represents adulthood from a legal standpoint. I dont feel like an adult any more than I did at 17. But I certainly do feel more grown up than I did at seven, when I was too scared to be in the park by myself. Becoming an adult is a long, gradual process one that wont last long enough for me to forget the childhood I cherished for so long. I cant wait for everyone in my retirement home to sing that perennial Happy Birthday song to me for the 100th year of my life, and for me to grin and respond Isnt it great to be a kid?
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