| Sewn mouths can’t swear (2/04) | | Print | |
| Written by Sam Bowman | |||
The solution is really quite simple. At birth, all babies should have their lips sewn shut, so they will never speak for the rest of their lives. Instead of eating, patriotic citizens would ingest their nutrients intravenously. Injected nutrients would ensure that people are well-nourished and do not gorge on solid junk food that triggers the release of feel-happy hormones called endorphins. With a consumption process that does not make the consumer psychologically happier, Americans, who are currently suffering from obesity, would regain their rugged, muscular physiques. In less than three months, Americans could save up the average two hours per day they foolishly spend to replenish themselves with pink jelly donuts and Snickers bars and enjoy a week-long Hawaiian vacation!
Besides the benefit of world peace, a nation of people with closed mouths would stop all the costly expense of dental care, helping those with bad teeth save hard-earned money. Years of humiliation for awkward, pimple-faced teenagers with braces would end — sparing much of the population from years of avoidable, over-priced therapy — and no one would have to remember dental check-ups with a sadistic dentist and the drill he nicknames "Pokey." Also, a speechless nation would rid itself of annoying cell phones and the even more annoying people who use them. Many of these people chat incessantly about insignificant affairs in public places, especially on buses and in movie theaters. No longer would a poor woman returning home from a long day of work have to silently endure the loud, small-talk antics of the slick-haired yuppie sitting behind her on the bus. No longer would a theater full of movie-goers have to sit through five minutes of public service announcements asking them to turn off their cell phones, nor would they have to shush the giddy teenage girl sitting in Row 7-C, talking about her new boot-cut jeans, 50 Cent and some boy named Brad she almost kissed under the bleachers after a recent high school football game. In addition to the removal of these infuriating situations, the destruction of cell phones would save lives. Car accidents caused by distracted drivers talking on cell phones would cease. Without cell phones, kind-hearted, well-meaning vacationing suburban folk would be driving with one less distraction on icy mountain roads filled with drunkards and their poorly wired car stereos blasting out some infernal tinkling Germanic Outkast song about hay. A mute nation would also rescue children from the emotional, physical and psychological abuse of angry parents. With sewn mouths, babies would not be able to cry, kids would not be able to talk back, and parent frustration would decrease. Sewing shut the mouths of newborn American babies is the most reasonable solution to swearing. It not only stops the rude American teenager from spouting maledictions, but also benefits the country politically, socially, morally and financially. Although a few ill effects may result, such as an eventual loss of freedom of speech and a growing dependence on middle fingers to show frustration, they are a cheap price to pay for such revolutionary benefits. Americans everywhere must do their civic duty. Let us repent of our blasphemy and temporal wastefulness; let us ensure national prosperity; let us sew the mouths of newborn babies shut, ensuring a grand and heroic future for our nation. |
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to listen.
