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Written by Jack Zhou
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In our modern world, the human race is besieged by a terrible peril. One threat to rule us all, one danger to find us, one horror to bring us all, and in the darkness bind us. Wait, no. Let me start over.
It was a dark and stormy night, and suddenly (!), the barn door crashed open to reveal the deadliest terror known to mankind. Not flying monkeys. Not Karl Rove. And definitely not AIDS (okay, maybe AIDS). I am speaking of advertisements, the bane of mankind and destroyer of worlds.
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Written by Gaston Guibert
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Written by Jack Zhou
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Cool-headed and experienced, closer Armando Benitez stands on the mound. He looks to catcher Mike Matheny, winner of three Gold Gloves, nods and sets back to throw. Like a hawk, Benitez looks to the runner on first and lets loose with a furious 93-per-hour fastball. BAM! Somehow, the opposing batter knocks the ball into the infield, right into the path of shortstop Omar Vizquel, who shows his aversion to errors by making a spectacular diving catch. He then jumps up immediately and throws a seed to rookie Lance Niekro at first base, ending the game. Benitez looks up, clenches his fist and points to Vizquel, wordlessly telling him that he is the man. Matheny throws his mask off and charges the mound to give Benitez a bearhug and congratulate him on a job well done. The Giants are in the play-offs, ladies and gentlemen.
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Written by Gaston Guibert
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Lawdan Pahlavan
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We all have our little questions that we ask ourselves every day, questions about the awkward absurdities in life: “What would it be like, if I went back in time and met myself as a little kid? Can I really do anything I set my mind to, or is that just something my parents tell me? Will dolphins ever rule the world?”
A few weekends ago, I decided to finally discover the answers to some of these questions. I found that the answers were available using some very conventional methods.
Classify me as “creepy,” but my first question was, “What do humans taste like?” Strangely enough, a little Internet surfing took me to The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative Web site (www.eathufu.com), run by a man from New England who has created a tofu alternative to human flesh, “Hufu.” He claims to have replicated the taste and texture of the meat, dubbing his creation “Hufu.”
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Written by Jen Lee
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Like many Americans, I found myself asking a series of questions after the news first reached my ears that over a thousand people had been literally wiped off the earth in a single catastrophe.
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Written by Courtney Ball
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LAWDAN PAHLAVAN
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As I sat at the world language desk proudly wearing my infamous red and white beanie, I felt eager and honored to be serving Lowell on self-scheduling day. I greeted familiar faces and began signing frantic overachieving students into AP Spanish. It made me feel that I was really giving back to my school community and aiding students in all their stress.
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Written by Elan Lavie
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As British Airways flight number 284 began its descent into London’s Heathrow Airport, my sweaty palms clasped the armrests. “The highest chances for a plane to crash are at takeoff and landing,” a little boy sitting next to me repeated. I took a deep breath, and he threw up.
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Written by Mellina Stoney
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“Dang girl! When you gon’ pick up a hot comb?” Friends and family members echo these words in churches, beauty parlors and many African American households. What they are really saying is, “Dang, girl, yo’ hair is nappy.”
To some, “naps,” as they are so offensively called, are bad. According to these people “naps” are hard to untangle and represent poor hair care, so little girls are introduced to the agony and pain of hot combs, pressing irons and perms at the tender age of six.
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Written by Caitlin Kelly-Sneed
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Coming out” is a difficult thing to do. Over the years, I have watched many of my friends come out in different ways: as a gay man, as an incurable Degrassi addict and as a Dungeons and Dragons freak. Although it may be questionable to put “coming out” as gay in the same category as admitting embarrassing passions, sharing anything personal is nonetheless always emotionally risky.
My friends’ bravery to come clean about their secrets has inspired me to follow suit, so here it is: I am a horseback rider and have been for nine years.
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